Safety in number$

Let's talk a bit about the baby product industry, by talk I mean rant. I feel as though someone out there in the consumer research world decided that there was a huge opportunity to make a little cash if they could convince parents that the health and safety of their infant children were at a great and immediate risk.

We were in the process of researching and purchasing car seats, and by we, I of course mean my wife. At some point in her research she informed me that the car seats needed to be installed by a professionally trained and certified car seat installation person. Thankfully we have a friend from church who is certified and offered to do this for us for free. My mind began to race; in the sort of lethargic yet scattered manner it races towards one tangent after another. What if we didn't have a friend at church who was nice enough to install our car seats? Please step with me into the randomness, that I call my thoughts...

Tangent 1: Wait a minute, why do car seats need to be installed by someone who is certified? If installed improperly will my children fly through the windshield when I roll to a halt at a four-way stop?

Tangent 2: Besides our church friend, who else is certified? If not for our friend, who would I get to install the car seats? Is there someone who can do that at the hospital? That seems like a logical idea. Have your babies then pull your car around to the maintenance garage and our certified technician will professionally install your seats. Parents exclaim, "Thank God you're here, I was worried I'd have to do that myself, in the comfort of my own home...where I put together all the other toys, chairs, and various other items that my child will occupy"

Tangent 2b: What an odd job to have...
"What do you do for a living?"
"I work at the hospital."
"Oh, are you a doctor?"
"No I install car seats for new parents, I'm certified."

Tangent 3: My wife informs me that firemen are certified as well. So, do I just stop by a firehouse then?
"Sir, can we help you?"
"Yes, I have an emergency! It's ok though, tell your boys to kill the sirens, and there's no need to suit up for this one. I just need you to install my car seats. You are certified correct?"

Tangent 4: How does one become certified? Is there a class? A written test, and a practical test? It seems as though if someone just showed you how to do it once...you could consider yourself certified.

Tangent 5: What tools are required for a secure and proper installation? Obviously you need a laser level, some vice grips, a pair of needle nose pliers; and I would think that a Sham-wow, though not necessary would be a convenient resource to have on hand.

I asked my parents what they did in the days before we as a society realized that we needed to make certain that our car seats were properly installed. They informed me that they didn't have a car seat. What!

Then I realized, there was a time when parents weren't hyper-protective, and weren't scared that if their child fell down and bumped its head they would incur intense physical and emotional harm; the likes of which would result in their stunted growth.

Somebody in the baby safety industry is making a lot of moolah, off of us sucker newbie parents. Do you realize that there are companies that you can pay to come in and "baby-proof" your home? This consists of them plugging plastic covers into you outlets, and hooking your kitchen drawers and cabinets in such a way, so that your children can't pinch their little digits, but you can still get to your cereal when you need to.

I 'm pretty sure that if these same companies were to come to my childhood home, they would've called CPS to take me and my brother into protective custody; consequently the state would have condemned the house. I distinctly remember that we had an old TV that was concealed inside an all wood chassis that weighed in the neighborhood of 700 pounds. Said TV was deftly balanced on a dinner tray that was missing a bolt, though I'm pretty sure the bolt was non-weight bearing. Every time the air conditioning kicked on the TV would sway ever so subtly. Thankfully it was held up by the frayed electric cord used to power this marvelous appliance. The cord itself was plugged in to an outlet that was also occupied by at least 6 other appliances of various shapes and sizes. The outlet was conveniently located on the opposite side of the room. In fact, in order to go to the kitchen you had pass the agility test of stepping over the cord. Some would call the sparks that the cord emitted upon the changing of TV channels, a fire hazard, we considered them more of a means of entertainment during commercials. All that being said, my parents, my brother, or myself never considered ourselves in any danger. Even as my brother and I sprawled out underneath the shaky shadow of our ancient entertainment system, and turned the knob that surfed through all 6 stations...with our feet.

That's all for now, I have to go let the baby-proofers in, they charge by the hour.